How Not to Date an Alien Read online

  As far as aliens went, he was much better looking than the green and gray almond-eyed monsters that most alien abductees described. And he was majorly better than the two-mouthed acid-spitting horrors the movies had made so popular. He was almost human in most respects.

  If only he wasn’t bent on consuming her flesh…

  “Is this appropriate?” he asked, turning around and giving her a glimpse of a package that would make a Chippendale green with envy and most male porn stars blush.

  “Um, yeah.” She eyed the shifting bulge at his crotch. “So.” She was forced to stop and clear her throat. “You are going to eat me?”

  “Yes.” He absently reached down and adjusted the thick lump of pure alien cock.

  Damn, the man was fine.

  “And I have no say in the matter?”

  “That is correct.”

  “Hmm.” She thought for a moment. “Can I get a final request?”

  “You may ask. I make no promises on delivering.”

  “How about a last good fuck before I go?”

  He opened his mouth to answer, but before he could offer her any words there came a great knocking at her front door.

  “Always interrupted,” he muttered as he turned to make his way toward the sound.

  She didn’t know whether to be pissed off, relieved or downright frightened for the public at large. He was nice to her, but he might be carrying weapons or have death-ray eyes or something! “Wait!” she called, tugging at her bindings and getting nowhere fast. “Where are you going?”

  “To answer your door. I believe that is your human custom, is it not?”

  Who would come over at this ungodly hour and start banging on her door like the narcs, anyway? Maybe she should let the alien get them. But then she could only think of two people who even knew where she lived now.

  Damn. Only Se and Lena would come banging on her door like that. And she didn’t want them anywhere near that alien. He was dangerous! She groaned and closed her eyes, praying for mercy. “Don’t melt them or fry their brains or anything! It’s probably just my friends!”

  “I will behave accordingly,” he promised as the knocking started again, but louder.

  “You will not harm them?” she asked again, feeling her fear rise up, watching him as he frowned.

  “No. I will not even smile at them. Would this give you pleasure?”

  “Letting me go would —”

  He was nodding his head this time, and she guessed that meant no.

  “I don’t even know your name.”

  Then there was a metallic scrape as a key was inserted into a lock. Se and Lena were coming in, no matter what.

  “You may call me Valan,” he offered as the door swung open and her two best friends in the word exploded onto the scene.

  “Kil!” Se called out. “Where are you? We just came in to make sure you didn’t pull a Jimmy Hendrix on us and choke — on — your —” she trailed off as she walked into the bedroom and froze.

  Well, if Kilana had walked into her friend’s room and saw her tied to the bed, it would have given her pause, too. It was not a usual occurrence.

  Kilana waited for her friend to start screaming unholy murder, and she didn’t have long to wait. But she was screaming the wrong damn thing.

  “Lena!” Se bellowed. “Quick! Bring the camera! Kilana’s getting laid!”

  Chapter Three

  If you cannot prevent yourself from socializing with an alien, it is important to let your friends become acquainted with it. After all, your friends and family will be your biggest support group when differences arise from your cross-species dating.

  And if a good time goes bad, your friends may be the ones to save you from disaster .

  |||

  “Well, hello, hello,” Lena purred as she strolled into bedroom where the dark-haired Se was still squealing excitedly. “You picked a good one.”

  “He’s going to eat me,” Kilana pointed out, and both women began to clap.

  “Getting good oral is so hard.” Lena turned to face Valan. “You know what you’re doing, yes?” She lifted her cell and snapped a photo of him.

  “Of course,” Valan replied, not even cracking a smile.

  “Show me what you’re working with,” Lena demanded.

  He arched an eyebrow.

  “Show me your equipment,” Lena reiterated, pointing to her mouth.

  “Lena!” Kilana gasped, but then groaned as Valan stuck out his forked tongue and waved both forks at her.

  “God, I envy you,” Lena sighed, turning and making for the door.

  “‘He’s an alien.” Kilana’s eyes were wide as she stared at her friends. Couldn’t they see the unnatural skin tone, the fangs in his mouth, the odd, long braid of hair…

  the stupid antennas?

  “Oh! German? Sprechen sie Deutsch?” Se asked, blinking prettily. “He looks German. You look German,” she said to Valan, who grinned softly. “And don’t call him an alien! You’ll give him a complex. The proper term is foreign visitor.”

  “Hello? Didn’t you see his fangs?”

  Helpfully, Valan exposed his teeth before closing his black lips.

  “Oh.” Se moved past Valan, grinning at him, before she bent down to whisper in Kilana’s ear, “Germans are into that kinky body modification thing. I read it in Cosmo.”

  Then she blinked, looking off into space. “I think it was Cosmo. It may have been in Leather Lash Monthly.”

  “Really?” Kilana drawled. What was wrong with her friends?

  “Do you have anything else —” Lena had halted at the words “body modification” and now eagerly turned back to Valan. “— modified? Like below the belt?” She was almost drooling in anticipation.

  Without a word, he lowered his sweatpants and let his solid black glory hang free.

  “Holy God!” Lena gasped, one hand pressed to her ample bosom. “Didn’t that hurt? Not that I’m complaining about the additions.” She waved one hand rapidly in front of her face. “But that looks like it would be painful.”

  “No,” he allowed, nodding slowly before he caught himself and shook his head.

  “I don’t like pain.”

  “Oh, you sweet thing,” she said.

  “But I am made to deliver the optimum pleasure to my partner,” he added helpfully, tossing a sultry look at Kilana.

  “Oh, God, with those contacts and those uh-hum —” Lena cleared her throat. “—

  extras. If you ever get tired of Kil, come and see me.”

  “Lena!” Kilana wailed in protest.

  “But she is delicious.” He licked his lips, each fork going to a lip and lapping it sensually. “I like how she tastes.”

  “Time to go, Se!” Lena reached out and grabbed Se by the arm. “We’ll talk to you next week!”

  “He’s an alien!” Kilana called, still more shocked and amazed that her friends found nothing wrong with a black-ringed dick. Hello! The man had antennas! “He has me tied to the bed!”

  “Germans are kinky like that.” Se giggled. “Use a condom! Every time you have kinky sex with a German man you have kinky sex with every person he’s ever sexed up!”

  “And I may have to go and visit Germany!” Lena shouted back over Se’s giggles as they made for the door. “Call us — with details!”

  “Hello!” she called out. “He’s going to eat me!”

  “Which is why we’re leaving now!” The slamming of the door punctuated Lena’s last words.

  And then Kilana was alone with the hungry alien menace once again.

  “Well?” she asked, shaking her head at her friends and their abrupt exit. They hadn’t even asked him for ID! She was tied up, and all they could do was take photos with their phones!

  “Well, I don’t detect fear.” He smiled slowly, exposing all his teeth.

  “No,” Kilana agreed. “What you are now picking up would be outright frustration and disbelief! They just left me tied up to the bed with a virtual strang
er!

  They didn’t even question it! My friends are idiots.”

  “Humans tend to see what they expect to see.” He spoke kindly to her. “Your friends just need to do a little work on their observational skills.”

  “A lot of work,” she snorted.

  “And now I think it is time for me to work on your pleasure.”

  Alien pleasure, Kilana whimpered softly to herself, could mean almost anything.

  She braced herself for impact.

  Chapter Four

  If push comes to shove, you would do well to give the alien exactly what he desires. It may open up an opportunity to escape at a later time. Never feel guilty about giving in if it buys you some time.

  |||

  His hair exploded from his braid, and like a living thing it began to rub and caress at her body. She stared in wide-eyed amazement as the alien loomed over her, his mouth spread in a wide grin. She slammed her eyes closed, not wanting to see her death coming, but instead he began to whisper to her.

  “This will not hurt,” he assured her as he moved closer. She could feel his heat, feel his presence, and that only seemed to frighten her more. “None of that,” he whispered, and she squeezed her eyes shut as she felt a finger touch her cheek.

  He could be checking the tenderness of her flesh, a cynical part of her screamed, but he did nothing more.

  She very carefully opened her eyes to see his solid black ones staring into hers.

  He smiled a little, and she whimpered as she felt his hair began to move. The silken tendrils carried his heat and his scent as they began to slowly trace the muscles of her body from neck to toe.

  “You feel divine.” He bent forward and sniffed at her, his antennas shooting straight up. His breath smelled of lemons, and she wondered if that would be the last thing she smelled before her life was snuffed out.

  But he was correct; he was not harming her in any way. In fact, the caresses of his hair were quite pleasant. It almost hurt her to admit that to herself, but she was deriving more pleasure from the caresses of his hair than she had from her last full sexual encounter with her ex.

  “There.” He was nearly purring. “Relax and let me see if what I studied about human anatomy is true.”

  He slid back, taking away his delicious musky scent and some of his heat, but he didn’t move far. He only moved far enough away to spread her legs and settle his lanky frame between them.

  “Nice,” he assured her. “I like the coloration of your skin. It is not as common as mine.”

  And his fingers were running over the sensitive flesh of her inner thighs, making goosebumps pop up on her skin, making her legs twitch.

  “So different than the females and males of my acquaintance,” he informed her.

  “So much nicer. Your body speaks to me.”

  And he went on, slowly rubbing circles on her skin, his fingers going higher and higher until they encountered the elastic barrier of her panties. “All this beauty, and still you insist on covering it up.”

  He shook his head as his hair rolled up her thighs, making her gasp at the new sensation before the tendrils slid underneath the cotton of her panties. His hair tugged, and, as if cut by miniature blades, the material parted and fell around her body like a tiny decorative draping.

  “You have hair here as well,” Valan pointed out, running his finger through her trimmed pubic patch. “It is not as soft as the hair on your head, and it seems to serve no further purpose than ornamentation. I understand the protective aspects of it in your primitive ancestors, but now it is not necessary. Yet you do not remove it. My hair is a secondary protective device, and I have complete control of its movements and its sensory absorption. My hair has evolved along with my species into a useful appendage for protection and defense. Yours does not even share this component.”

  She could have said something funny about seventies porn bush, but decided to hold her peace until she discovered what he was going to do. It would not do to piss off the alien with the razor hair.

  “Utterly fascinating,” he breathed, his eyes almost glowing as he leaned in closer, his fingers now parting her hair and examining her groin closely.

  “Labia majora,” he muttered, and Kilana gasped as his hair wrapped around her thighs and lifted them into the air as far as her bindings would allow.

  Looking down, he tsked at the impediment to his explorations and two tendrils slashed across the bindings, severing them from the footboard so that he could heft her legs higher and spread them further.

  Kilana moaned at this show of violence, but other than closing her eyes, she did nothing.

  “Your clitoris should be hidden here.” His words were soft, almost as soft as the finger that now spread apart her labia and exposed her clit and her vagina to his clear view. She bit her lip as the cool air caressed her there, right before the heat of his body signaled to her that he was moving closer.

  “Fascinating,” he muttered, his warm breath against this sensitive flesh making her whole body shudder, and damn if it didn’t shudder in arousal. “Such wonderful colors — pinks, browns, creams… Your mate was a fool to give up such a wonderful place to play.”

  Then his fingers were caressing her, gently running over her opening before he pulled back. She opened her eyes to see him rubbing the moisture of her growing arousal between his fingers, a fascinated look on his face.

  “Self lubricating.” He grinned, looking up to see her eyes open. “You have a wonderful design,” he informed her. “Most of our organs are internal and are so plain compared to this!”

  Like an eager child, he dove down again. This time his fingers separated her labia to fully expose her clitoris in its hidden cowl. He placed the tip of one finger there and looked up at her. “If what I have read in your books and viewed in your pornography is true, you will really enjoy this.”

  And then his finger began to vibrate.

  “Oh! Ohhh! Oh oh oh oh oh!” Kilana could not keep her mouth closed now! In fact, everything opened wide, her eyes, her mouth — even her thighs spread further as his finger vibrated. Her hips thrust upwards, seeking more even as her mind began to scramble. This fucking alien had vibrating fingertips? Sweet Enola Gay!

  Her head dropped back and a loud, keening sound rolled from her throat as her whole body started to shake. The electricity running from her clit was almost too much.

  It itched, it burned, and it had her climbing up the wall to orgasm faster than her best vibrator.

  She could feel her juices seeping from her exposed pussy, and she wanted him to spread her more, to press harder, to give it to her totally, to fill the emptiness that had taken up residence within her heart.

  She was hungry and tense, and his fingers just stayed there, sending jolts through her whole system. Her spine was melting, her body sweating, and her teeth clenched as she keened her pleasure, and still it was not enough.

  “I can smell you so much better now,” he leaned over to whisper, and she whimpered in response.

  “Your nipples are hard,” he added. “I can see them through your shirt. I want to see them.”

  Tendrils of his hair were flowing upwards again, sending her nerve endings screaming at their points of contact before they slid under the thin tank she wore, and that, too, became so much confetti beneath her.

  “Yes,” he breathed, his eyes glowing darkly as he stared at her chest. “Such wonderful mounds of flesh.”

  One hand left her thigh, cupped her breasts, first one and then the other, pressing at her nipples and making her back arch further. Her whimpers were growing into wails, and all of his touches were translating ecstasy directly to her swollen clit.

  “They make you react?” He tilted his head to the side, then grinned harder. “I want to try something else…”

  “Oh, dear GOD! Yes!”

  He lowered his head, and Kilana screeched as he pulled one nipple into his mouth and turned on suction hard enough to pull the brass off of a doorknob.

&nb
sp; “Hmm?” he moaned, closing his eyes and sucking harder, his slit tongue surrounding and tugging at her erect nipple before his tongue, too, began to vibrate.

  “Gonna come! Gonna come!” Kilana chanted, her head whipping from side to side on the pillows, tears running down the sides of her face.

  This was erotic bondage of the most perfect kind, and it was tearing her mind apart.

  “Come, release, orgasm.” He nodded after pulling off of her breast with a pop, his finger lightly caressing her wet skin. He eyed the swollen red nipple and bent forward to almost lazily lap at it with his split tongue. “That is my purpose in this.”

  Then he began to slide his finger up and down her clit, finding the spots that made her scream and contracting on them until she was bucking hard in his grasp.

  “There are many places here,” he noted, “that make you gush your fluids. That is a clear invitation.”

  He sat up, nibbling on his bottom lip before he pulled away the hand kneading her breast and repositioned it between her legs.

  “I intend to make you fly,” he whispered, then pressed one finger deep inside the wet heat of her.

  “Yes, yesyesyesyesyes!” she groaned, crying as her toes curled, as her hands gripped the silk binding them and pulled, as her body offered itself up as a sexual sacrifice to the greatness of his foreplay skills. “Yes!”

  He pressed upwards, controlled and humming, his head leaning to the side as he carefully thrust first one finger, then two deep inside her, twisting and turning until…

  “Valan!” she screeched, her hips thrusting upwards against the hold his hair held on her quivering limbs.

  “Found it,” he noted, and then those fingers began to vibrate, as well. “This is your g-spot. It was designed to catapult you to orgasm.”

  Kilana froze, her whole body going stiff as the orgasm that had been building within her exploded. The glory of how he was playing her body was so great it was almost pain, and she could not move, could not speak, could not think as it tore through her like a wild beast.