How Not to Date an Alien Read online

  “Yeah,” she all but hissed at him. “The drive home.”

  “It was most excellent.” He grinned. “Although your land vehicles are arcane at best, and not very fuel efficient or friendly to your environment, they are fun to accelerate around sharp curves.”

  “Sharp curves?” She began to stutter as he slowly began to unbutton the fly to those very tight jeans. Shaking her head, she went back to her conversation, shrugging off the feelings of lust that were always simmering just under the surface when it came to him. “You almost killed us racing those bikers.”

  “Motorcycles are what I want to learn next.” He showed all his pointed teeth.

  “There is something about the sound they make…” He trailed off as his eyes sought her form once more. “It sounds like a lighter version of what you do just before climax.”

  Kilana felt her face explode in color and moaned, covering her face with her hands. “Valan!” she wailed. “I thought you were going to eat me, not torture me.”

  “It was meant as a compliment.” She could hear his footfalls as he moved closer to her. “I am enamored of those sounds you make, Kilana. I will make you create more before I consume you.”

  She felt his heat as he moved within touching distance, smelled the sweet, lemony, vanilla spice of him, and swore his hair caressed her as he moved past.

  But almost too soon he was away from her, leaving her confused and aroused, frightened and excited all at the same time.

  Inhaling deeply and mentally getting her affairs in order, she turned to follow him. In the small townhouse, there was only one place he could have gone. She kicked off her sandals and padded after the wayward alien, curious as to what he was going to do next.

  The sound of rushing water drew her to her bathroom where she was almost smacked in the face by her flying shirt.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, peeling the cotton garment from her face, but not without first inhaling deeply and shuddering as lemon and vanilla teased her nose.

  “Preparing you a bath,” he explained, looking over his broad back at her. “It is a proven way to make tight muscles relax.”

  “My muscles are not tight,” she argued, her eyes still on his pale broad back and the muscles there, which flexed and released as he bent over the tub to test the water with a flick of his fingers.

  “Yes, they are. I could feel them as I passed you. This should relax you and give you pleasure at the same time.”

  That said, he rose to his feet, and Kilana found herself gulping hard as her eyes dropped to his crotch.

  Her pants were fully unbuttoned, and that mound of cock and balls was straining to break its way free from the restraining denim. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he had lost his shoes somewhere along the way to the room, and even his goddamned toes were cute, no talons at all. Just neatly trimmed black toenails.

  As she stared, frozen like a statue, he ran his hands, damp with bathwater, down his neck, over hard nipples that begged to be touched, and down those painfully flat abs.

  She had to pinch herself to stop from screaming, “Take it all off,” and instead began to nibble at her bottom lip as she watched her own private alien strip show.

  His hands reversed their travels once he reached his crotch, and she bit back a moan of disappointment. But her libido perked right back up as his hands ran up along his sides, over his muscular shoulders and into his hair. With a flick of his fingers, whatever was holding the silky looking massive braid fell free, and his hair flowed down in silken waves to curtain his body. He gave his head a shake, and his two antennas popped up perky and bouncy.

  Kilana was mesmerized by the way the opened crotch of his jeans teased and played peek-a-boo with his cock as he moved toward her. He had no navel, and he had no body hair. So there was nothing to distract her from the pure view of Valan.

  His accented voice spoke to her, the words unclear. She was too busy eyeballing the feast of flesh that was moving closer and closer every second.

  “— garments? Kilana?”

  “Huh?” Her heard jerked up, and she found herself staring into a pair of mesmerizing black eyes.

  “Your garments? Do you intend to bathe in them? I understand that it was a custom to do so in your history…”

  “No.” She shook her head. “Uh, no. We don’t bathe in our clothes, Valan. I was —

  distracted, just a little.”

  “Yes, your arousal has spiked, Kilana. You find my partially clothed body more arousing than my naked one.”

  He nodded his head sadly, managing to somehow look up at her through long, black lashes. It was an amazing feat, especially since he was about a foot taller than she was.

  “No, that’s not it.” She felt a shaft of shame as she realized she was objectifying her alien, turning him into a big hunk of pale meat.

  And then reality slapped her in the back of the head.

  The alien was going to eat her! There was no way she was going to feel bad about possibly hurting his feelings.

  “So you do find my naked body pleasurable? Or is this one of the kinks…” He tilted his head, as if testing the word for the first time. “Yes, kinks I’ve heard about?”

  “Kinks?”

  “I am willing to try a lot sexually, Kilana. But some of your Earth practices are strange. That is why you will have a thorough bath before we get to the salad tossing.

  And I am not sure that I want to give or receive a golden shower. That just somehow feels wrong.”

  “Golden shower!” She could feel her eyes grow wider with his every word.

  “Besides, my people do not urinate. We excrete waste fluids once in what you would call a month. It is a private practice, and we convene to our own private waste receptacles to do this. It is not something we share, even with the closest of kin.”

  “I don’t care about that!” She gaped, growing pale at the thought of his waste removal process. This was one of those times when having a good imagination was a bad — really bad — thing. And then the thought of alien anatomy —

  “I am not too sure about the thing called fisting,” he went on. “But if that is one of your kinks, and seeing that it does not require you to penetrate my body with a foreign object that my internal immune system may take as an attack and seek to melt the invader, I am willing to try.” He grinned at her — hard.

  “No!” she gasped, taking a step back. If he thought he was going to spit her on his hand before the grand feast, he had another thing coming.

  “Very well. Latex and leather seem to be big kinks, too. Shall I try and procure some?”

  “No kinks!” Kilana finally screamed. “What is wrong with you?”

  “I was just trying to cater to your needs. And I notice that viewing me half-clothed spiked your arousal. I stated this before, Kilana. Please pay attention.”

  “I don’t have any kinks,” she snipped.

  “But you enjoyed being tied to the bed,” he pointed out, reaching for her tunic.

  “Well, that’s fairly vanilla.” She automatically lifted her arms so he could remove her top. “It’s so vanilla that even people who have never even heard of bondage are doing it for a thrill.”

  “So you do have kinks.”

  “Minor ones.” She rolled her eyes, looking down as he tossed the tunic aside like so much used trash and his fingers delved into the waistband of her skirt.

  “And you are much too thin, still,” he sighed.

  “All those fresh vegetables,” she snorted. “They are key to weight loss.”

  He frowned, but then nodded his head. “Human madness,” he muttered, tugging her skirt from her body.

  So she was now standing in the steamy bathroom in her underwear while a half-naked alien who planned to consume her was getting her ready for a bath.

  It was sad, and wrong on so many levels, but Kilana was beginning to have fun in spite of her imminent death.

  “I think you were joking with me,” she said finally, noting the amuse
ment that still filled his black eyes. He impatiently ripped though the material of her bra with his talons and tossed the remains aside. She shrugged at the destruction of the Vickie’s Best bra, ignoring the expense.

  “It brings you pleasure to think so,” he admitted, before tearing her undies into so much confetti.

  So she was there, standing naked before her alien again, staring at the hot bath.

  “In,” he urged, placing a hand at the small of her back and guiding her closer to the tub.

  “It’s not too hot, is it?”

  “It is not.”

  “How do you know how hot humans like it?” she asked, eyeing the steaming water skeptically.

  “Because I have made an extensive study of humans,” he replied calmly. “And I know what temperatures cause you to boil.”

  “Well, there is what humans like and then there is what I prefer.”

  “I have studied you as well.” He smirked.

  “Me?” She turned to face him, shock plain on her face.

  “Yes, you, Kilana. Or did you think that I picked any female human who happened to be walking by?”

  “Well…”

  “I have been following you for days, Kilana. I have been watching you ever since I spotted you out walking along a hillside.”

  “Hill-” Kilana tried to think back a few days, wondering when she’d been outside and walking, then froze as she recalled what she had done.

  She had been anticipating her divorce papers and had driven herself downtown to get her mind off of things. But instead of spending the night at a trendy Fells Point bar or making her way to Federal Hill, she had gone to Fort McHenry. Once there, she walked along that brick walkway back dropped by the historic fort, and she had given in to her tears.

  She stood there, crying out her misery and, yes, her relief at being away from that verbally abusive man. She’d cried until she was cried out, and then she’d taken a seat on the lawn near the banks of the harbor, lain back in the grass, and counted stars.

  She stayed there staring up into the velvety night sky until her friends had called her on her cell and demanded that she meet them at her new townhouse for a housewarming.

  “That was a week ago.” She stared at Valan.

  “And that was when your beauty drew my attention. I’ve followed you since then, noting your likes and your dislikes, and because of this, I know what temperature you prefer your baths.”

  “How?”

  “I have the technology, Kilana. I know your brand of toothpaste, of mouthwash, of tampons —”

  “Tampons?”

  “I made a very exhaustive study of you, Kilana.” He shook his head yes. “You are a very fascinating creature. This is why you were chosen for the hunt.”

  “Because I fascinate you?”

  “That and because of your warm and sparking personality. You intrigue me.

  And your body, it arouses me. That arousal is enhanced when you add your personality. You are a beautiful person.”

  For once she didn’t know what to say.

  “And now that you know I have studied you, I am asking you to get into the tub.”

  The alien had been unflinchingly honest with her, and for some reason, she trusted him. Touched and amazed, Kilana moved toward the tub and confidently placed one foot in.

  “And you still are going to eat me?” she asked, sinking into the perfectly heated water.

  “Right after I bathe you. You will be relaxed and pleasured and ready for feasting.”

  “Because you respect me, you like me, you are going to eat me?” she clarified.

  “It is one of the highest honors a male can give,” he assured her.

  “Is it going to hurt?”

  “Only if I do it wrong.” He seemed puzzled by her statement.

  “This whole thing just seems wrong.” She sighed, sinking in until only her head rested above the water, settling back onto her favorite bath pillow. “If you like someone, respect them and are intrigued by them, you don’t kill and eat them.”

  “Kill?” He knelt beside the tub, looking a bit perplexed. “Why would I kill you?”

  “To eat, unless you are planning on eating me alive —”

  “Is this a kink I know nothing about?” he asked. “It would be pointless to eat dead flesh. The decaying process is immediate in humans, and the very thought of that is quite repugnant.”

  “But…” she stammered. “But… But you said you were hunting me, that you were going to eat me…”

  “Of course.” He shook his head. “I tracked you and I stalked you, and according to the rules of congress for my people, you have been officially logged into the data base as properly hunted. And because I was able to enter and capture you, it is my pleasure to partake…”

  “You said eat!”

  “Is that not the euphemism for oral sex?”

  Chapter Nine

  “Oral sex?” Kilana knew her voice sounded faint and disbelieving, but what her ears were telling her could not be true.

  “Yes. You must agree that when compared to your human males, I am uniquely qualified.” He stuck his tongue out again and curled it around itself before pulling the forked thing back into his mouth.

  Kilana was stunned. “You mean all this time I thought you were going to eat me alive…”

  “Is there another way to do this?” He blinked his black eyes at her. “Please remember what I said before.”

  “You want to eat my pussy?” Was she angry? Was she confused? She really didn’t know. What she did glean was that a horrible tension that had damn near consumed her since her first conversation with this alien lifted from her shoulders. He was not murderous and cannibalistic, though cannibalism really didn’t apply here. He was just looking for a great time and wanting to share the sexual bliss.

  She didn’t know whether to kiss him or to smack him.

  So she did both.

  “Guanta!” he gasped, his eyes going wide. He lifted one hand to his face. “Ouch.”

  Then, before he could say or do anything else, Kilana twisted around, reached up, gripped his face, and pulled his mouth down to hers. “Mmm,” she moaned into his mouth, her tongue seeking and demanding entrance.

  He resisted, but only for a moment, before he allowed her inside and began to lightly stroke her tongue with his forked one.

  “Lemons,” she broke off to whisper against his full lips as her hands tangled in the hair that fell around his face. “You taste like lemons and vanilla.”

  Then she was turning her whole body, straddling his waist and devouring his mouth once again. The hunter had become the prey in her mind, and she had a lot of tension to make up for. Her tongue darted around his spiked teeth, testing the sharpness before running along the soft palate of the roof of his mouth. He grumbled something, and then she felt herself being lifted.

  The water cascaded down her body as she opened her eyes to see that she and Valan were floating now, hovering above her tub and deftly moving toward her bed.

  His hair now enveloped her, holding her steady as his hands began to dance around her body, plucking at her nipples, running along the delicate skin of her sides. One mischievous tendril spanked her ass sharply once before caressing the full, soft flesh.

  “You are ready,” he declared as he dropped her, wet, slick, and shiny, onto her bed. Before she could respond, he was there, in her face, his tongue lapping around her chin. “You want this.” His words were a statement of fact she could not deny. “You want me fully now. I can smell you. You are ready.”

  He loomed over her, on his knees, his hair waving madly behind him, his breath rasping in his chest. She moaned as his licking tongue, those teasing lips, traveled over her collarbone, causing shivers to travel to her belly and her clit to tighten in response.

  Her hands lifted and ran through his hair, feeling the living strands of it wrap around her inquisitive fingers.

  “Ready,” she replied, her legs spreading wide and wrapping around hi
s waist.

  He felt so good between her legs, so solid and warm. He was a presence that engaged her senses, and the fact that he delighted in touching her, in pleasing her, made the fantasy almost too good to be real.

  But it was real. She could feel reality in the nipping teeth that left tiny little red patches on her chest, on the slit tongue that laved then surrounded and tugged at first one turgid nipple, then the lonely partner. She could smell his lemon and vanilla as he moaned at the taste of her.

  “So delicious,” he gasped. “So perfectly seasoned, Kilana. Sex and heat, anger and fire, passion and pleasure, such wondrous pleasure.”

  His breath brushed against her skin, setting off explosions in her nerve endings as his hair ran over her body, encasing her in a cocoon of its own making.

  “Valan,” she breathed as his hand began to knead her breasts while his head traveled lower to lap teasingly at her navel. “God, Valan!”

  “So sweet,” he replied, rubbing his face along her belly, looking up at her with those wide, innocent black eyes. “You are so ready.”

  His fingers curled, and those long talons raked gently along her sides, teasing gooseflesh to the surface of her skin, making her body writhe and her hips arch helplessly.

  It was a conscious decision for her to spread her legs. It was her admitting that she wanted this, and that nothing would stop it from happening. She had the power, she knew, finally. She understood that in his own way, this crazy alien had been courting her, seducing her, trying to bring about this very situation. And now she surrendered, leaving herself in the keeping of his alien hands.

  “Yes,” he repeated, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. “Let me.”

  She moaned, spreading her legs to their furthest extent and relaxing back into the pillows and blankets that cradled her. His hands caressed the skin of her inner thighs, spreading them just a little bit further as he sat back to observe everything she had to offer. She grinned, knowing that he would not find her lacking, especially after all the time he’d spent trying to get her flavor right.

  “You like?” she had to ask.

  “This sight almost caused me to take you prematurely the first time,” he explained, his voice breathless as he pulled his lips back and nearly snarled. “And now this sight makes me grateful that I was born a male, and that I am here to appreciate this. You are sheer perfection, Kilana. It makes me so proud to be the first to come here.